A Modest Proposal

Los martillos están en venta. Trois pour un dollar. I bagni sono a mano destra. Zu setzende Wartezeit. Have you ever noticed signs like these screaming words you do not know in a country that once spoke English? The truth is, America has no official language and with others now competing for popularity, something must be done to keep us from breaking apart.

Obvious problems have arisen from this situation. Many English-speaking citizens feel that English was the first language and should remain the only one, despite the constant flow of foreigners through our borders. Those same immigrants feel that as new American citizens their right to freedom of speech should be protected. Businesses, restaurants, and other organizations that want to make everyone happy are now caught in the middle making signs three times as big to accommodate each language.

The American people need something to tie them together. For the past few years, disputes over such things as government progress, environmental protection, and financial problems have split the country to a point where we cannot identify with each other. We are no longer proud to be Americans. And this is where my proposal comes into play.

Rather than randomly picking one language out of a hat, I propose a new language, one that is completely fresh and rejuvenates our pride in the United States of America. This means absolute obliteration of English, Spanish, French, German, Italian, Russian, and any other language that inhabits our country, and the installation of Americanese.

Americanese will embody romance more than Italian ever could. It will bark stricter orders than that of German. Catchy Spanish tunes stand no chance when compared to the flavor and fluidity of Americanese. Charles V once said, “I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.” Well someone better call up Charles and tell him that those days are over because now you only need one language to do that: Americanese.

People of every considerable group inhabiting America will create this new language. They will decide on the alphabet, sentence structure, punctuation, grammar, and all other aspects of language. Government officials will then take the reigns and distribute the information to the public where meetings will be held, pamphlets passed around, and websites set up. After enough time for preparation, the time will come when each American citizen will be expected to learn Americanese. After a year of studying, annual tests will be sent out across the country to monitor the progress and thus further schedules can be made.

Aside from the technical aspects of creating and learning Americanese, one must also consider its benefits to the country. Most importantly will be the rise in nationalism, for it is plain to see that we are losing the togetherness that Americans shared after World War II. Also, Americanese will help keep illegal immigrants at bay. Obviously, if you cannot speak the one language that everyone else in the country can, than you do not belong there. This, too, helps with foreign enemies attempting to listen in on government-protected plans. Since Americanese will be brand new they will have a difficult time translating it without the help of someone from America. Finally, an official language will transform any industry that relies on advertisement. Packaging companies can focus more on the aesthetics of the box rather than trying to translate “tear open here” four different times.

Now of course problems arise with such a daring proposal, but I believe that the benefits far outweigh the setbacks. For example, books will have to be translated and redistributed throughout the country. However, this gives us time to update everything that has been neglected for the past twenty years. In a way it will be like giving America a facelift. We will not be rewriting history or changing important documents, just refreshing them so everything is up to date. Another problem some might find with this would be teaching the three hundred million US citizens a completely different language. Anything like this takes time and obviously the older you are the harder it is. But what we must remember is that this process will improve America’s morale and by participating in the “rejuvenation of America” means you support the country’s improvement.

The ugly truth of the matter is that America is far too angry and bitter to even consider choosing an official language from the list above. If one group feels that it has not been fully represented, then no one can be represented. Our ability to compromise and discuss has flown out the window, leaving us with only one other logical solution.

Out of many, one.